I really fucking wish NICU World was closed.
It's a different world in here. It's a world that I hope none of you ever have to experience. I dare say it's more stressful than the land of IF. The doctors are a bit nicer and your insurance covers most things. The stress is different. it's more urgent. It's more life threatening. I miss the days of stressing over follicle size. Now I stress over respiration rates and ECMO flow of my real live baby. My real live baby who has built up a tolerance to Morphine. This is hard.
It's even harder on Ruby. I spend most of my day worrying about her being in pain. Is she comfortable. Are we being selfish? Her little body is connected to so many tubes. It's so very very hard. All I want to do is pick her up and hold her. Instead if she's stable enough I can put my hands on her head and hope that gives her enough comfort. I'd like to believe that she knows I'm here. I hate it when I come in and the Nurse tells me she had her eyes open. I hate that the first person she see's when she opens her eyes is not me.
I've also noticed that NICU Mom's talk about their antidepressants like they are candy. One woman today gave me the card for her Doctor. She said he gives out drugs really easily. WTF. I know I'm tired. I know I'm stressed. I know I look like shit. I don't think I need drugs just yet. In fact I feel like I'm doing a damn good job of rolling with the punches.
Pumping. Pumping is hard. Part of me at 4 am thinks what the point. She might not ever need this and it's going to suck if I have all this milk and no baby. Some days I want to stop, other days it's the only thing I have to hang on to.
Ruby has had a rough morning, but is looking better. I cen't touch her rightnow and that's killing me.