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jumping through the hoops
Welcom to NICU World. 
19th-Apr-2009 10:38 am
I really fucking wish NICU World was closed.

It's a different world in here. It's a world that I hope none of you ever have to experience. I dare say it's more stressful than the land of IF. The doctors are a bit nicer and your insurance covers most things. The stress is different. it's more urgent. It's more life threatening. I miss the days of stressing over follicle size. Now I stress over respiration rates and ECMO flow of my real live baby. My real live baby who has built up a tolerance to Morphine. This is hard.

It's even harder on Ruby. I spend most of my day worrying about her being in pain. Is she comfortable. Are we being selfish? Her little body is connected to so many tubes. It's so very very hard. All I want to do is pick her up and hold her. Instead if she's stable enough I can put my hands on her head and hope that gives her enough comfort. I'd like to believe that she knows I'm here. I hate it when I come in and the Nurse tells me she had her eyes open. I hate that the first person she see's when she opens her eyes is not me.

I've also noticed that NICU Mom's talk about their antidepressants like they are candy. One woman today gave me the card for her Doctor. She said he gives out drugs really easily. WTF. I know I'm tired. I know I'm stressed. I know I look like shit. I don't think I need drugs just yet. In fact I feel like I'm doing a damn good job of rolling with the punches.

Pumping. Pumping is hard. Part of me at 4 am thinks what the point. She might not ever need this and it's going to suck if I have all this milk and no baby. Some days I want to stop, other days it's the only thing I have to hang on to.

Ruby has had a rough morning, but is looking better. I cen't touch her rightnow and that's killing me.
Comments 
19th-Apr-2009 10:18 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
hugs to you Holly!
19th-Apr-2009 11:50 pm (UTC) - That sucks!
Anonymous
I'm so sorry that all this is happening. You guys are doing a fantastic job. All your pumping, puking, and letting yourself be prodded and poked is worth it! She is awesome. Don't doubt for a second that she doesn't know who you are and know when you are there. She knows. She loves you both very much. I wish that we could block all of the extraneous BS from this experience for all 3 of you, but it's just not possible. Some day we will sip martinis and cry while we watch the kids play together. Hang in there babe! Hang in there!xoxo Sarah
20th-Apr-2009 12:42 am (UTC)
Anonymous
I don't doubt for a single second that the NICU is far, far more difficult than IF. I can't imagine what you are going through, what Ruby is going through, what Chris is going through. I hope that all the pumping pays off someday - sooner rather than later.

If you don't think you need meds, you don't need meds. You or Chris will know if you ever get to that point. Exhaustion and emotion are part of this - I don't think there's any way around that. Just my 2 cents.

Larisa
20th-Apr-2009 02:11 am (UTC)
Anonymous
Holly, she knows you're there, she knows you love her, she knows even when you can't touch her that you are her mom, and nothing...nothing...NOTHING can or will take that away from you or her.

You and Chris are NOT being selfish. You are giving her a fighting chance at survival, one that she clearly wants. She would let you know otherwise...and I just don't see that happening from this feisty little girl. She's 100% fighting to stay with you.

You are doing an amazing job of rolling with the punches. You and Chris are strong, and that's exactly what she needs. Give yourself some credit - you are going through the most awful parental nightmare there is - and yet you get up every day, get to the hospital, spend all day and most of the night by her bedside, read to her, talk to her, touch her, pump for her, love her....without even thinking about yourself for a moment. You are still recovering, your hormones are still fluctuating hugely, and you are super stressed....but you persevere regardless. No one could or should ask for more from you...nor should you ask more of yourself.

((HUGS)))

Tami
20th-Apr-2009 02:19 am (UTC)
Anonymous
Holly and Chris, thinking of you and sending loving, beautiful thoughts to you both AND to Ruby. -Jane
20th-Apr-2009 02:39 am (UTC)
Anonymous
Everyone else said it. You guys are doing awesome under a horrible situation and one of these days we'll all drink to Ruby.

I wish you guys comfort and a healthy Ruby. I know it totally sucks, but you guys are going to get through this and things will be all right.

I wish we could be there to help you out. And yes, pumping blows, but in a few months, I hope you think it was worth it. Stick with it, Holly.

We love you tons! Hang in there!

Missy
20th-Apr-2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all. Hugs to you.
21st-Apr-2009 03:41 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. If you have any questions, anytime, let me know. If I can't answer it I will ask our neonatologist.

Ellen
http://ellenmoore08.blogspot.com
21st-Apr-2009 04:58 pm (UTC)
I am sending warm thoughts of healing and strength and comfort to Ruby and to you. What you are going through is so hard, and I hope that every day brings you closer and closer to where you both want to be.

Here from the LFCA.
22nd-Apr-2009 01:40 am (UTC) - http://stacie-heeeeerestorkeystorkey.blogspot.com/
Anonymous
Here via L&F. Congratulations! Your daughter is as beautiful as her name!

The NICU experience is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. (my boys spent 14 and 15.5 weeks in the NICU) Please know that you are not alone. I am sending you strength and support for the days ahead. Hugs.

Stacie
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