We keep them all. Mostly because I go over our credit card bills with a fine tooth comb. You'd be surprised how many mistakes there are on your cc bills. I normally find one every other month. Sure it's usually for under 20 bucks, but it adds up. Plus when you're facing spending your life savings on fertility treatments (or a European vacation to recover from your crappy life) you fret over 20 dollars. Plus it's my 20 dollars, not Old Navy or Maudie's. Anyway we realized that we could deduct all my running expenses because I am a "self employed" running coach. I'm a contract worker for Rogue. So, I pulled out the receipts from last year. They are sorted by month, and I went through them looking for shoes, running clothes, gu, race entry fees, and anything else related to running. I find it funny that I can see a receipt for a meal and remember the meal and who I was out with and what we talked about. A found couple receipts I had forgotten about. Luckily all our medical receipts are filed in the handy binder that our clinic gives out exactly for this purpose. I wasn't forced to see the receipts from all the Dr. visits and prescriptions. Instead I saw the receipts from the pizza we ordered on May 30 at 5:22pm after my 1st D&C. I saw the receipts from Special Delivery for preggy pops during my "congratulations your beta is 290" pregnancy. I saw the receipt from the same pizza place on September 4 after my 2nd D&C. I noticed that the amount of Starbucks receipts go from zero to one a day in the matter of a few weeks. I noticed how I ate a lot of Chic-fil-a and Super China hot and sour soup during May and August. It's funny how small pieces of paper can bring up so much pain. The funny thing is I can't bring myself to throw away the receipts. They are part of the memory of my babies that I never got to hold. All I have from my pregnancies are small pieces of paper. Receipts are the only tangible proof I have that I was actually pregnant the last two times. The first one I have two pictures, which again are just pieces of paper.

If anything ever happens to us and someone goes through our safety deposit box they're gonna think Austin's Pizza must make the pizza ever. Why else would we save the receipts for pizza on May 30,2007, September 4, 2007, and January 7 2008.

I was reading blogher and got to thinking about my own grief. Then it hit me.

I have to fit a lifetime of parenting into a few short weeks when I get pregnant. For that very short amount of time, I'm the only one who can care for the little thing. Then when it's over I'm the only one who had any contact with them. While I didn't get to hug them, talk with them, or even get to know them I am the only one carrying around their memory. Don't worry I'm not going be one of those "I have three angels in heaven" women. I do feel the need to acknowledge that my little beings actually existed. I think about each one everyday. I think about how things would be if each one had worked out. Really the most depressing thing is that if the first one had lived I wouldn't have gotten the chance to know the second and third. While losing each one has been very hard. I'm glad I had the experience of being pregnant with each of them. Those experiences might be the only pregnancy experiences I ever have.

The first week back to real life always sucks. It's almost over.

The car was under warranty, thankfully. We did find out that we'll prolly need a new timing belt with the 100,000 mile tune-up. At least I have a couple months to save up 1000.00 for the repair. It's cheaper than buying a new car, even if it is 7 years old. I might have a hostile uterus, but I buy reliable cars (if you don't count the pontiac).

We went to dinner tonight, after picking up the car. A band was playing, which isn't uncommon in Austin. We have guitarists playing at the entrance of the grocery store. Austin is the "Live Music Capital of the World." I avoid all music when grieving. No radio, I don't even listen to NPR. So the band made me depressed. I was dealing with it fine until I looked over and saw this man holding his daughter in his lap and taking pictures of both of them smiling with his cell phone. For some reason this made me want to cry. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. When I saw the man and his daughter, I thought to myself, Chris is never going to be able to that. 5 years from now we'll still be taking pictures of our cats and garden.

Chris is outside moving ALL my plants into the garage. I guess he thinks I was kidding when I said,"Let them all die." It's seriously bothering me that I can make things grow everywhere accept where it matters the most.

Don't worry I haven't ordered my "Babykiller" T-shirt yet. I'm saving that for the 4th miscarriage, because we all know that there will a 4th an 5th miscarriage. At least after number 5 I'll be done. I'll be a shell of my former self, but I'll be done.

It's time for wine and chocolate. No wonder I gained weight.

Funny how a few months ago recovery meant an easy training week. Now recovery means something very different.

The D&C was what it was. The nurses remembered me from the moment I walked in. The drug doc upon looking at my chart said, "Oh wow that's not good. I'm so sorry you're here again." My surgical nurse said she was sorry I was here again too. The recovery nurse remembered that I take zofran for nausea. I almost jokingly said I'd see them in 3-4 months, when I left.

I didn't get to see my Dr. before they wheeled me down, which is weird. She must have been running late. I almost went into the wrong operating room. I tried to go into the one I was in last time (you have to walk from the gurney into the room). It's not like I would have gone far, the nurse was holding my IV bag. I didn't have my glasses on and I was pretty out of it. They however didn't put me completely under until Dr.H was there. The surgical nurse kept saying, "Not yet she hasn't seen her Dr." Which I really appreciated. Granted I saw Dr.H for about 3 seconds before I went out, but for some reason it made me feel better. I also apparently talked to her as I was coming to. She told Chris, " it was a huge nasty blood clot full of black dark blood. It would have taken her a long time to pass it." I guess when an RE says something is nasty it must have been pretty gross. There wasn't anything for genetic testing.

I had some cramping when I came too, but nothing that required morphine. Just percacet. I drank about 4 glasses of grape juice. Then almost 1.5 hours later, I finally had to go to the bathroom. They don't let you go home until you go to the bathroom. The nurse goes with you and checks. The most disturbing thing was she wouldn't let me wash my hands. WTF?

I did get another pair of socks. I should make a t-shirt that says, "I got knocked-up and all I got was some non-skid socks". Or maybe "IUI=Socks".

All joking aside. We are devastated. This one was supposed to work. Seriously it was supposed to work. It was the third one. I needed it to work, for more reasons than I feel like going into. I'm normally a pretty pessimistic person. I don't like to sugar coat things. This situation really sucks. I don't even know how to begin climbing out of the big dark whole that infertility and repeat pregnancy loss has dug in my life. I'm not sure I'll ever completely recover from any of this. I guess 20 years from now I can look back on all this be proud that I survived. I would prefer for the reminiscing to take place while dropping our first child off at college. That might require a perfect world, which I sure as hell will never be part of.

I woke-up and didn't feel sick this morning. Of course I'm still popping hydrocodone like it's candy. I'm not sure if I really need it, but I don't wanna stop it and find out. The past two times I was able to get by with ibuprofe after a couple days. I just don't wanna feel anything. I don't think it's to much to ask.

Chris made me a yummy breakfast taco. I haven't been able to stomach eggs in the morning for weeks. He's even making a Starbucks run for me!

I'm hoping my levels drop quickly and we can try again soon. Not that I actually think we'll have a different outcome, but because I wanna feel like we've exhausted all our options. I wish Dr.H could tell us we are perfect candidate for PGD or DE. She can't though. Yes, clomid IUI's get me pregnant, but we don't know why I can't stay that way. As a scientist I don't deal well with unknowns.

I ordered some books last night, this is becoming a ritual as with so many other things. I'll write a post later about how to survive a D&C. I got 2 books on adoption and one on miscarriage. I'm excited about the adoption books. It seems like such a daunting process. I wanna learn as much as I can, that way when we're ready to start the process we'll be some what informed.

We also reserved 2 nights at the Landmark Inn. We stayed there once a couple years ago. It's a great little place in a town with awesome antique stores. We got some really cool pieces last time we went. Plus there is a great little french restaurant in Castroville, too. It will hopefully be a nice weekend away while we wait to try again. I think we're gonna try to get a couple camping trips planned, too. I really wanted to run off to South America or Europe, but we should save our money. Belize and Spain will still be there when we're done with this hellish part of our life. Plus I bet it'd be better to see those places through the eyes of a child.

I'm gonna do it today. I'm gonna go coach my runners (and hopefully get my run in). I'm going to face them. I'm going to tell them that I am no longer pregnant. I'm going to deal with the required "I'm sorry for your loss", comments. I'm going to be strong. The sooner people know the better. I feel like a liar letting people think I'm still pregnant. Today will be hard, but it needs to be done. I need to do this before the hormones drop any further and I'm a bumbling crying mess. Rightnow I'm just cranky and bloated.

I also want to post about my D&C. I just haven't been able to put it into words just yet.