I don't usually talk about Chris and I's relationship much. Mostly because it's pretty good and I don't wanna hurt his feelings on the internet. We have our ups and downs. We have fights. Mostly though we're trying very hard to get through this together. I can't imagine going through any of this without him. That being said, we are going to start seeing a couples therapist. Mostly because this is too huge for us to deal with on our own. A woman in my support group patted my hand and said "Not all marriages survive infertility." I find that funny, I'm not worried about us getting a divorce. That's not even really in the cards. I am worried that we are both trying so hard to help each other that maybe we aren't actually helping our relationship. We've been together 12 years. We're not going anywhere. I'd just like to make sure that we both stay sane.

With all that being said. Chris does this thing that totally makes me happy. He will leave web pages open on my lap top that make me laugh. It totally helps to log on and see these silly things. Today they were:

http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll202/starlingx/chocolate_chip_sausage_pancakes_on_.jpg
http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll202/starlingx/kidsexchange.jpg
http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll202/starlingx/stuck_cow.jpg
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/funny-pictures-kitten-sleeps-food-bowl.jpg
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/4/30/jurassicparkse128540730940000000.jpg

While he has his down falls, like not ever knowing what time it is or being a remote control control freak. He can usually make me laugh. Especially when he finds out that he is the best drunken singer at a Rock Band party. Apparently my husband got a 97% on a Faith No More Song. I had no choice to claim him as mine feather boas and all.

I was doing fine. I really thought I was. I made the decision yesterday that wouldn't be going back to work until Monday. I had originally thought I would go back today but I just wasn't up for it. I ran some errands this morning. I wasn't feeling to good physically and decided that one more day of not working out would be OK. Why not make it an even 3 weeks.

Then I realized Chris hadn't done one of the 2 things I asked him to do today. He ended up not doing the second thing, too. Which leads to making this evening suck. I was prepared for today knowing that Chris had a lunch meeting and I would be on my own for lunch. It's not that I can't fix my own lunch it's that I look forward to the company. It's not just any company it's Chris. That's part of what sucks through all of this. People want to help and they want to be here for us. All I want is to crawl in bed and snuggle with my husband. I don't want to see anyone but him. For the most part. I do want to see people, it just takes a lot of mental prep to see people. I need a good hour of crying followed by a good hour convincing that things will be OK. This two hour ritual usually takes place in the morning and I'm good for the day (this ritual has been going on since May). Today I asked Chris to make a special effort to come home early this evening and spend time with me. That way we could then go out with our friend. Can you see where this is going? Yep you guessed it Chris fucked up. He knows he fucked up. I am now at home with some chic-fil-a while he's out having Margaritas. Because I got so upset at him and at the world I am in no condition to be in public. He did bring me the chic-fil-a. That however doesn't mean he won't be fighting for the guest room bed with our house guest. Just a tip to my male readers, when your wife or partner who is going through her 3rd miscarriage asks you to water the plants and to make a special effort to come home early to spend time with her you should probably make damn sure you do those two things.

As for me I have one of those head aches you get from crying to hard.

Last but not least goals for tomorrow:
get-up
cry
run
prepare for our friends coming over
go to berry growing workshop (I love working for 4-H)
get dressed in something other than stretchy drawstring pants
have a nice evening with our friends

I might even attempt to use Kleenexes instead of the sleeve of my shirt tomorrow. Gross I know, but I was crying to hard find the Kleenexes. Chris usually hands me one, but as we all know he wasn't here.

At least I didn't have to take anything more than ibuprofen.