I forgot what 5:45 am quality workouts are like:) This morning was a 4 mile fartlek. I ran it way to fast. It was nice to be there. It was weird because really I hope I'm not running a marathon in November. Maybe I hope I am. I guess this decision is what therapy is for. Hopefully if I am running that means we will be in the middle of adoption stuff in November. It is possible that I will run in November AND I will be still be stuck in the same crappy place, too. (I don't like the sentence structure above, but I'm a scientist not a writer.)

As for other workouts, I swam 3000 yards yesterday morning. For Yoga I think I'm going to try Bikram on Friday morning. I love my yoga studio, but the times and teachers aren't jiving with my needs right now.

Obligatory Infertility Update Below

We found out that Kazakhstan suspended all international adoptions on March 21 for a revamping of the system. We're looking into domestic adoption, too. Hopefully we can get a country and plan together soon. I love plans :) Chris made the suggestion that we should ask same sex couples what agency they used. I'm assuming atheist couples and same sex couples get treated the same when comes to faith based adoption agencies. (DISCLAIMER-You can believe whatever the hell you want, just don't push it on me :) I've never not been friends with someone because of their beliefs. You respect me I'll respect you :) )

I haven't decided if I'm going to call the Dr. about the pain that kept me up last night or the spotting I had this morning. I really wish the crawling in a hole option was a viable one. I've already searched Dr. Google for "painful + ovulation + spotting". As always the wise Dr. Google says that it is normal or I have cancer.

I'm in a dire need of a shower. I also forgot how smelly marathon training in the summer is. Yes it summer here in Texas. High of 86 today. Woo-hoo.

We've got a fun weekend planned. Berry picking, Indian Food, and a BBQ. I'm excited and hoping the time flies by.

I didn't go meet the Marathon Group for a 7 mile run on the LBLT (TLT). I love Rogue, I coach for them, but I'm not getting up at 5 am to run on the trail when I can do that by myself anytime of the day. I'm going to run in my hood this morning. While I'm running Chris is going to mow and trim the yard. Then we are going to load up in the car and go berry picking. A couple of friends are going with us.

Getting up this morning would have been easier had I not drank too much wine two nights in a row. I skipped a friend's party (sorry Joey) last night so I could go home and get to bed early. When I got home I walked down to the end of the driveway to check the mail. Then I heard "Holly you want some wine?" from across the street. So started a pizza and wine party in our neighbors back yard. I was in bed by 11, but I'm paying for it this morning.

I might impose a no alcohol until vacation rule in the next couple weeks. Although once we get back, I'll be back to the no alcohol and caffeine restrictions. I'm not going to stop running this time. I won't be doing acupuncture either. These restrictions are self imposed with a "it can't hurt" confirmation from the Dr. Really it gives me a sense of control, that we all know doesn't exist.


I need to write a post about our neighbors telling us they are going to try for a third. They were nothing but kind. It just kinda proves how much my life sucks.

I woke-up and didn't feel sick this morning. Of course I'm still popping hydrocodone like it's candy. I'm not sure if I really need it, but I don't wanna stop it and find out. The past two times I was able to get by with ibuprofe after a couple days. I just don't wanna feel anything. I don't think it's to much to ask.

Chris made me a yummy breakfast taco. I haven't been able to stomach eggs in the morning for weeks. He's even making a Starbucks run for me!

I'm hoping my levels drop quickly and we can try again soon. Not that I actually think we'll have a different outcome, but because I wanna feel like we've exhausted all our options. I wish Dr.H could tell us we are perfect candidate for PGD or DE. She can't though. Yes, clomid IUI's get me pregnant, but we don't know why I can't stay that way. As a scientist I don't deal well with unknowns.

I ordered some books last night, this is becoming a ritual as with so many other things. I'll write a post later about how to survive a D&C. I got 2 books on adoption and one on miscarriage. I'm excited about the adoption books. It seems like such a daunting process. I wanna learn as much as I can, that way when we're ready to start the process we'll be some what informed.

We also reserved 2 nights at the Landmark Inn. We stayed there once a couple years ago. It's a great little place in a town with awesome antique stores. We got some really cool pieces last time we went. Plus there is a great little french restaurant in Castroville, too. It will hopefully be a nice weekend away while we wait to try again. I think we're gonna try to get a couple camping trips planned, too. I really wanted to run off to South America or Europe, but we should save our money. Belize and Spain will still be there when we're done with this hellish part of our life. Plus I bet it'd be better to see those places through the eyes of a child.

That's my mantra. I say it to myself every morning when I wake-up. I say it out loud in the shower. I repeat it under my breath while standing in line behind the pregnant lady. I guess I figure the more I say it the sooner it will come true.

I saw Dr.H this morning. The antiphosolipid test came back negative. Which is a good thing, and she even said that. As much as I want an answer, it's good that I didn't test positive for it. I'm healing just fine. We're checking my hCG today to see how it's dropping, because I am still spotting. I get my progesterone checked on 10/15 to see if I ovulated. If my cycle hasn't started by the 15th. I get to take my old friend provera to start it. Then we'll start the cycle. She said we're just gonna keep trying. It was a good appointment, and I feel as good as I possibly can.

As for Houston. Lucy was cool. The exhibit was slightly annoying. It was more like a travel brochure for Ethiopia. I don't think I could sit and sip margaritas in a country that was often used as a reason for me to eat my brussel sprouts. I'm not saying that I don't want to ever go to Ethiopia, I just don't think it's a fancy vacation spot.

The adoption seminar was good. We feel good about it. We have lots of info. We know which countries would be the best for us. We have a Plan B, or a Plan A for our a second child. Which leads me to our limits. We're willing to give it 3 more pregnancies (pregnancies not cycles). I am however not willing to go through this again. If we have a second child adoption will be our only answer. I do however reserve the right to change my mind about any of this.

I have this big post in my head about the seminar. I need to think on it some more. Parts of it were really hard. The cheesey video complete with "Somewhere Out There" was hard to watch, for multiple reasons. The woman leading it, suffered from secondary infertility, which I'm sure is painful. It's just hard for me to relate. She had two sons and then adopted a daughter from Russia. I'll admit at times I was thinking "Shut-up, your life isn't that hard, you had two kids at home. You got to give birth and care for a new born. I might NEVER experience that." Of course I feel guilty for thinking bitchy thoughts, but I'm trying to be honest here.

ON a happy note. I got a job teaching science and fitness for 4H. It's an after school program at various elementary schools around Austin. 20 hours a week. I start October 15th. The same time my next cycle should start. I also have a couple interviews for some "real jobs" that I might cancel. I haven't decided yet. Mostly I just wanted someone to say "You have a good resume, we might hire you."

So, much of my identity has been taken away and replaced with sadness. I just wanted to feel important. Having someone who doesn't have to think I'm smart, think I'm smart is nice.

The Firefly theme song is on the radio. How frigging random is that?

I'm doing OK with the out come of this cycle. I'm pissed that I used cheap tests that I bought online. I have plenty of should have's running through my head. The dr. seemed upbeat. She did say the cycle wasn't completely lost. She said we'd change some things for next time if this cycle doesn't work. I find it funny how she won't discuss the next cycle until the current has failed.

I am getting blood work done this morning after I coach to make sure I actually ovulated. We'll know for sure this afternoon or tomorrow morning.

I'm going to try to enjoy my 2 weeks of not having to go to the dr.

Remember when it was a big deal that they wanted to handout condoms in high schools. Remember when it was big deal when one of your friends went on birth control. Remember when missing a period was a cause for great concern, involving taking tests in grocery store bathrooms. Remember those tense moments in the dorm bathroom while your friend crossed her fingers and then was happy when it was negative. Remember when being late meant you were pregnant.

Apparently now being late means something is messed up with your body. Especially when you know for a fact you aren't pregnant. You know this fact because your reproductive endocrinologist knows the moment you ovulated and when you had sex. She also knows what day to have your blood drawn for a pregnancy test. So you know that you aren't pregnant almost instantly.

Thanks for accompanying me on this journey down memory lane. I'm now going to track my package of pregnancy and ovulation tests. Apparently you can buy them in bulk for really cheap. Cheaper than the ones at Costco even. If I ever do get knocked up I'll donate the extras to some scared woman in her late teens or early 20's. Can you imagine that Craig's list post?

I haven't felt well all week. I don't feel great this morning. I do not feel like racing a 5K. I feel like going for a slow long run. I'm trying to figure out what to do. I really wanna blow off the race and run on the trail. I paid for the race though. Maybe I could do a longer warm-up (2 miles), run the race at MGP, then a 2 mile cooldown. That would give me 7 miles and a nice sense of accomplishment without puking.

I also have a lot of things to do before we leave for Houston. Which I'm trying not to think about. I have to "race" a 5k and help out at WAWA registration this morning. Then we're gonna have Wich Wich for lunch, maybe get a cherry limeaide for the road and off we go. Where in Lagrange is this famed bakery I keep hearing about?

We're going to Houston for a nice overnight trip. We're staying at a nice hotel near Rice. Sushi and sake will be consumed. The Met exhibit at the HMFA will be seen. Maybe a visit to the Zoo, too. I'm sure we'll see a few cars on fire, people driving with their hazards on, and anything else those crazy drivers in Houston do. Hopefully we'll have quality time in the pool and hot tub, too. I'm so excited about this weekend.



( Babymaking crap (contains references to stuff Tim might not want to read :) )

I love oatmeal. Lately I love it with a small banana and a tbs. of peanut butter. I'm trying to eat it often as I can before it gets too hot outside. For some reason I don't like to eat it in the summer.


So, last night instead of going to the gym after I taught I ran the 4 mile loop. Traffic was horrible, and I didn't want to fight my way up MOPAC at 5:30. So I ran and then hung out with the Blue Jacket runners in the parking lot for a while. I ran an easy four miles. I figured it was better than hanging out at Whole Foods where they have the most amazing ginger snaps the size of my head.

Warning- Get'n knocked up info below.

I've been toying with the idea of starting a completely separate blog for the other thing that has been consuming my life lately, INFERTILITY. It's a horrible word, and yes as much as I hate to be a whiner it's an "unfair" word. I don't think I'll be that great at keeping up two separate blogs. Plus I have ZERO information on infertility and athletes. When I mean information I mean reading material with statistics. I've had plenty of discussions with other women who have had the same issues we are having, but I want a study to read :) So maybe if I write about my experiences pertaining to both training and getting knocked-up, some scientist will do a study. It's a long shot I know, but maybe just maybe. That and I think all the hush hush attitude towards infertility is crap. Apparently it's a big problem (at least in the circles I roll with).

So be prepared for some posts that might contain references to gynecologists, infertility doctors, sperm counts, fallopian tubes, and every one's favorite word -- vagina--. I'll try to warn people or even make the most personal ones private.

I love starting new journey's in life. I just wish my life journeys didn't contain so many delays.


( get'n knocked up stuff )