I wrote this last night.  It's sounds angrier than I wanted.  I wasn't angry, just sad.  I guess this is why I became a scientist and not a writer.  Now is not the time to stop being honest.  I started this blog with the intentions of being honest about we are going through.

I can't legally drive a car but I can type.

Do me a favor, hold up 3 fingers. The three you would normally hold up if you had to hold up three fingers. Then release your thumb and pinky. See how easy that is? I wish it was that easy to just release those last to losses and move on to adoption.

Every book and I mean every book (I've read a lot of them) says to set to limits. We've set our limit at 5. I'm not against using another woman's eggs, I'm not all for it either. Frankly I don't fucking know anymore. All I do know that that the word FUCK seems to convey the depth of my emotions and/or despair. I do know that 2 years and three days ago I left my career as a scientist behind. I left it behind for one reason. I thought I was ready to become a Mom. I left it behind so I could safely carry a pregnancy. I left it behind so I could raise my child the way we wanted.

Instead I have 3 lost babies and who knows what else I have lost. I have lost friendships. I have made friends and lost them within the time that we have been trying. I have lost friendships because people don't understand that to me I have lost three children. Really, 3 of my children have died. I lost friends because they think I'm bitter. I have lost friends because the depth of my losses is too much for them to even comprehend. I'm terrified of losing anything more. I don't want to loose anymore friends. I don't want to loose anymore babies. I don't want to loose anything more.  I still haven't found my keys.

I have agreed to be a part of other people's lives. When in the back of my mind I think of the date and think, "Please don't let me be miscarrying that week. I don't know if I'll have it in me to smile in photos if I am." WHAT THE FUCK! A friend asks me to be in her wedding and my first worry is that I'll be bleeding out my 4th child and not be able to smile in the wedding pictures. Does anyone else realize how fucked up that is? I want nothing else than to stand-up and celebrate two people's happiness. I want nothing else than to be able to participate. I want nothing else than to be able to be me. The old Holly. I'll find her, or maybe come to terms with the new Holly. I will participate, I promise. (Seriously, Mel I'll be there)

I know not everyone understands. I get that not everyone understands, it's understandable. Just humor me and try the following exercise:

Look at your kids, then think what life would be like if 3 weeks after YOU found out about them they were taken away. If you don't have kids think of your siblings, think about how your life would be like if they didn't exist. Hard isn't? Welcome to my world.

This message has been brought to you by Holly and three glasses of wine.