No more searching google for "miscarriage", "D&C", or "infertility".
I can search for IUI success stories.


The truth is I can't do anything about the situation I'm in. Anything more than I have already done. What happened WAS NOT my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault, 1 in 4 pregnancies end before the 1st trimester. It is very sad. In fact it is very very very sad. While I knew it might not hold and was kind of expecting the outcome I got, it still hurts. This pregnancy also meant we wouldn't have to enter into the world of invasive fertility treatments. Which now we do. Luckily our insurance covers all meds and 5,000.00 per year of treatments. Which seems like a lot but it's not. It basically gets us 10 IUI's or less than half of one IVF. I'm hoping to not have to ever even consider IVF. Although I kinda feel like all my hope has been jerked away.

So, enough is enough. I am sad. Everyone knows this and everyone has been very supportive. I am not going to stop being sad about this ever. I will eventually be able to move on. Which I am already trying to do. I just need our friends to bear with us for a little while longer. We are still the same people, but like it or not we have to deal with this. And until you've experienced this situation, you can't pass judgment. Thankfully our friends have been nothing but supportive. Everyone has been more than wonderful.

Yesterday was the worst day for me. I just could not stop crying. I know my hormones are in limbo and I need to wait for them to settle down. I just hope (and it probably is) that this isn't indicative of what postpartum depression will be like (notice I the positivity in the fact I'm still hoping I'll give birth:))

On to some good news. I can wear my fat day jeans, now. The bloating has gone down. I went to Safeplace for 3 hours this morning. I got to work with the 5-6 year olds. Most of the kids remembered me! In fact they were even excited to see me. Which made me smile for the first time in days. Really smile, not just smiling so the person in front of me thinks I'm OK. Also no one at Safeplace knew I was pregnant.