jumping through the hoops

i found some mouth wash

Tue, 13 May 2008 00:38:08 GMT

and washed the bitterness away for now.

I'm not dealing very well these past couple days. I'm tired of trying to figure out why. I'm just going to roll with the bitterness.

Ug.

7 miles DONE!

Mon, 12 May 2008 12:54:10 GMT

I love Mondays when I get my run in early!

I wanted to clarify about my last post last night. I have some friends who are pregnant via fertility treatments. I met them through my support group. They for the most part don't read my blog. I do however wish that they would remember what it feels like to be on the losing end. While they might be jealous of me for going on vacation. I am infinitely more jealous of there growing bellies. I would give up this trip for a heartbeat any day. I hope that once I get safely pregnant (if that ever happens), I don't forget all the pain.

Oh and while I'm on the subject of bitching about infertiles. Telling me "At least you can get pregnant." Is the equivalent of a fertile person telling us to "relax". Yes I get pregnant. I don't get pregnant easily. It's not like I get to have a romantic evening with too much wine. I get to take clomid and have my husbands sperm inserted directly into my uterus. Yes I understand that I am in the 101 of fertility treatments. I am however in the 2% percent of the population who experiences repeat pregnancy loss. I also have a 30-40% chance of EVER carrying a pregnancy to term. So yes I get pregnant, but I never ever actually get to have a baby.

Wow, I guess I understand why I've been skipping my support group meetings :)

I can't wait until FRIDAY! If can keep from killing Chris between now and then it'll be miracle. What is so freaking hard about admitting that I am right. Telling me that it doesn't matter anyway only guarantees an all expense paid stay on the futon.

WTF

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:07:39 GMT

What The Fuck is up with my pregnant friends telling me they are jealous of me going to Spain!

Seriously.

i survived

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:06:03 GMT

We just got back from dinner. We went to Vino Vino. We had cheese plate and a bottle of Cote Du Rhone Rose. I got the pear salad and Chris got the pealla. Both were REALLY good. Afterwards I had my mother's day treat of a small butterscotch with peanut cups crushed in at Amy's. I even had a FF ginger snap for a snakc at WF this this afternoon. This weekend has not been the best nutrition wise. I need to watch if for the next few days. Normally i don't indulge this much, but what the hell. You only live once right. What's the pint in all the working out if you can't enjoy some cheesecake, cookies, and ice cream every once in a while.

I even survived Target, Whole Foods (twice), The Container Store, REI, and HEB. No major breakdowns. I'm kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm off to bed. 4:45 is really frigging early.

weekend

Sun, 11 May 2008 15:40:14 GMT

Yesterday was the first really hot and humid day. It kinda sucked that it coincided with a long run. 10 at 6 am. No big deal. Lets just knock it out. I was pleasantly surprised that Joey showed up to run. We ran together for almost all of the run. I even talked him into running 10 instead of 7. By the end I was wishing I had run 7. I knew it was gonna be hot. I know what to do in order to train in the summer. I thought I had done what needed to be done. I drank plenty of water , emergen-c, and electromix all week. I made sure to eat enough before the run. The humidity got me anyway. I had to tell Joey to go on without me at mile 9. I felt horrible. My fingers were like sausages. I had the chills and my hairs were standing on end. I slowed down and finished. Oh, the joys of training for a marathon in Austin in the summer.

After the run I volunteered at a Rogue open water swim. I ended up kicking close to 400 meters. My legs were/are TIRED.

After a long nap, some of my coworkers came over for dinner. It was a fun filled evening with Sangria (I made sure I was fully rehydrated), good food, and fun.

As for today. I slept in. I'm debating going for a swim or a run. I might do a short run in the neighborhood. I'm not sure I wanna deal the gym this morning. We need to make sure we have everything for our trip and finalize what we're gonna bring. I'm sure we'll have to brave a trip to target. Then tonight we're headed to Vino Vino for paella!

It's Mother's Day. Truthfully I'm hoping I don't have to confront the fact it is Mother's Day.
I'll remind Chris to call his Mom. I think I might treat myself to some chocolate covered strawberries. I am a Mom after all. Maybe that's why I haven't freaked out yet today. I'm allowing myself to think that I am Mom. I just don't have any living children. For me to get through this I need believe that my "fetuses" were in fact my children. They were under my care for a very short amount of time. Plus really they're all I've got. So why not celebrate the fact I am Mom? I deserve some credit for doing what it took to get get pregnant, and doing my best to stay that way. None of this means that I want to sit in a restaurant while other women get to have brunch with their children. I'm going to stay home and try to find some hope that maybe next year I'll be enjoying french toast with a child.

don't you know what can go wrong

Sat, 10 May 2008 10:23:42 GMT

When I see a pregnant woman before I run and hide I always think, "Why are you smiling? Don't you know what can go wrong?". If they aren't smiling I think, "Why aren't you smiling, you should be grinning from ear to ear everyday". Then the third thing I think is, "Fuck, I just needed some pickles. Can't I even go to HEB without the reminder of what I don't have". In approximately 6 weeks I'll be back in the stirrup's. Then in 8 weeks, we'll be doing the IUI. I can do this all day, we all know the drill. Do I think that in 10.5 months I'll be holding a child that I gave birth too? Not a chance. Sorry no hope here. Really there is this empty hole where hope and optimism used to be. Actually it's not really an empty hole, it's been filled with sarcasm and pessimism, both which I already had an abundant supply of.

I'm going to take my hopelessness and run ten miles. It's funny how running was part of the decision to try to become parents. Now it's part of the recovery of not being able to become parents.

The brake is almost over. I feel like summer is ending and I know the next semester is gonna be a bitch. Kinda like the time, I tried to take organic II, thermo, diff eq, and p chem all at the same time. Didn't really happen.

hair

Fri, 09 May 2008 12:26:26 GMT

I used to have REALLY long hair. As in past my butt. My hair is very thick and thick long hair is horrible in TX. Plus I was getting head aches from the weight. The past few years I've kept it short. I'm debating keeping it about shoulder length. I like the idea of a pony tail again. I also like having it up off my neck. I can't decide. I have an appointment this morning. I guess I'll see what comes out of my mouth when Anna asks me what I want to do. I am so horrible with decisions lately.

I have today off. Because Amy is coming to town and we're gonna have lunch. Then I'm gonna bake up a storm because we're having some of my coworkers over for dinner tomorrow. I'm really excited about my day today. Gardening, salon visit, lunch out, Central Market shopping, and cooking!

I've been trying to embrace my lack of a career. I've been feeling very depressed about it lately. So depressed that I started throwing myself into my part time job like it was a full time career position. Not the "make a little money so we can go on vacation and pay for our infertility habit" job that it is. Not that I won't do my job and do it well. I just don't need to stress about it as much. I teach kids in after school programs. It's fun and I get paid. If I ever decide to teach this will look good on a resume. I do not need to become the Holly on a mission to succeed, that I was when I had a successful career. Don't put me on a mission. If you do get the hell out of my way.

Now if only the whole becoming a Mom could be mission. If it could I would be one already.

thursday

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:27:46 GMT

Today was my last day with my horrible second graders. I'm pretty sure I got cussed out in Spanish today. To celebrate I skipped my support group meeting and made dinner!

Phyllo pizza with goat cheese, prosciutto, caramelized onions,roasted holland peppers, yellow tomatoes, fresh herbs, and olive oil. Paired with some wine and a salad. Then followed by ice cream with fresh pineapple and black berries.

I made seared tuna with a panko coconut crust and spicy soba noodles last night. I didn't take a picture. We ate it all, too.

I swam this morning. 3300 yards. My goal is 9000 a week. One more swim on Sunday and I will have that easy!

1st quality workout done/ 23 more to go?

Wed, 07 May 2008 13:20:26 GMT

I forgot what 5:45 am quality workouts are like:) This morning was a 4 mile fartlek. I ran it way to fast. It was nice to be there. It was weird because really I hope I'm not running a marathon in November. Maybe I hope I am. I guess this decision is what therapy is for. Hopefully if I am running that means we will be in the middle of adoption stuff in November. It is possible that I will run in November AND I will be still be stuck in the same crappy place, too. (I don't like the sentence structure above, but I'm a scientist not a writer.)

As for other workouts, I swam 3000 yards yesterday morning. For Yoga I think I'm going to try Bikram on Friday morning. I love my yoga studio, but the times and teachers aren't jiving with my needs right now.

Obligatory Infertility Update Below

We found out that Kazakhstan suspended all international adoptions on March 21 for a revamping of the system. We're looking into domestic adoption, too. Hopefully we can get a country and plan together soon. I love plans :) Chris made the suggestion that we should ask same sex couples what agency they used. I'm assuming atheist couples and same sex couples get treated the same when comes to faith based adoption agencies. (DISCLAIMER-You can believe whatever the hell you want, just don't push it on me :) I've never not been friends with someone because of their beliefs. You respect me I'll respect you :) )

I haven't decided if I'm going to call the Dr. about the pain that kept me up last night or the spotting I had this morning. I really wish the crawling in a hole option was a viable one. I've already searched Dr. Google for "painful + ovulation + spotting". As always the wise Dr. Google says that it is normal or I have cancer.

I'm in a dire need of a shower. I also forgot how smelly marathon training in the summer is. Yes it summer here in Texas. High of 86 today. Woo-hoo.

tired

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:01:14 GMT

I'm tired. I might go to bed as soon as I get done with this entry.

I'm tired of everything. Part of me wants to say lets just adopt. Part of me wants to try to be optimistic. Part of me wants to crawl in a hole and never come out.

Guess what Sunday is? Last year we were stupidly happy because we were pregnant. 3 short weeks later my life went to shit and has pretty much stayed that way. I don't want any flowers, I just want a baby.

Happy times at our house tonight.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post about my workouts and what I made for dinner.

Good Weekend

Mon, 05 May 2008 12:50:19 GMT

We finished up the weekend nicely yesterday. I ran an easy 3 miles. I love that my easy 3 mile recovery runs take about 26-27 minutes. Chris walked while I ran. We then went to my new favorite coffee shop for a snack. we then headed off to the grocery store.

Once home I spent the afternoon making strawberry cobbler, and prepping the rest of my berries to be frozen until make jam this week.

We had the P-dipps over dinner last night. It was fun relaxing dinner with lots of yummy food.
It was nice and I managed to get to bed early.

I'm now sitting at the kitchen table finishing my coffee. I've already met and run 7 miles with Erin this morning. It was a tough run mentally. For some reason I really didn't want to do it. I'm glad I did. Had Erin not been with me I would have only run 3-4 :) There is something about getting your miles in and talking through your troubles all before 7 am. I'm icing my left calf right now. I'm kinda nervous that I might be fighting an injury soon. I've never had calf problems before. It was really tight all during the PR program. My massage therapist suggested strengthening my calf's. She thought that maybe all the speed work was causing me to push off harder. I have been trying to focus on not shuffling when I run. I'm hoping that all the calf raised I've added to my post run strength routine, yoga, and ice will head off an injury. It also means no more skipping yoga :(

As for the infertility stuff the pain (physical) hasn't gotten any worse this month. This would be the week that it would be bad, if it follows the same trend as the last couple cycles. We'll see. Hopefully I won't have to an u/s this week. I'm hoping to keep my pants on for another 4 weeks.

Now on with my day........

STRAWBERRIES!

Sun, 04 May 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Yesterday we went here to pick strawberries.

Fruits of our labor:

I should have enough for 2 pies and a batch of jam. I'll be baking today!

self destructive

Sat, 03 May 2008 13:02:11 GMT

We've got a fun weekend planned. Berry picking, Indian Food, and a BBQ. I'm excited and hoping the time flies by.

I didn't go meet the Marathon Group for a 7 mile run on the LBLT (TLT). I love Rogue, I coach for them, but I'm not getting up at 5 am to run on the trail when I can do that by myself anytime of the day. I'm going to run in my hood this morning. While I'm running Chris is going to mow and trim the yard. Then we are going to load up in the car and go berry picking. A couple of friends are going with us.

Getting up this morning would have been easier had I not drank too much wine two nights in a row. I skipped a friend's party (sorry Joey) last night so I could go home and get to bed early. When I got home I walked down to the end of the driveway to check the mail. Then I heard "Holly you want some wine?" from across the street. So started a pizza and wine party in our neighbors back yard. I was in bed by 11, but I'm paying for it this morning.

I might impose a no alcohol until vacation rule in the next couple weeks. Although once we get back, I'll be back to the no alcohol and caffeine restrictions. I'm not going to stop running this time. I won't be doing acupuncture either. These restrictions are self imposed with a "it can't hurt" confirmation from the Dr. Really it gives me a sense of control, that we all know doesn't exist.

I need to write a post about our neighbors telling us they are going to try for a third. They were nothing but kind. It just kinda proves how much my life sucks.

i wish

Fri, 02 May 2008 02:15:41 GMT

i wrote this
"When someone is old when they die, they had a lifetime to accumulate all the people who will remember them after they're gone. When someone dies before they are born or shortly after birth, it boils down to a few people--maybe only two people. Maybe only one. And then, without that person, the memory--that final string to this world--is gone."
Thanks Mel from Stirrup Queens.

train wreck

Fri, 02 May 2008 01:32:00 GMT

I just can't look away.

Grey's Anatomy. WTF.

I just wanted to watch mindless dumbass TV.

marriage

Thu, 01 May 2008 21:26:55 GMT

I don't usually talk about Chris and I's relationship much. Mostly because it's pretty good and I don't wanna hurt his feelings on the internet. We have our ups and downs. We have fights. Mostly though we're trying very hard to get through this together. I can't imagine going through any of this without him. That being said, we are going to start seeing a couples therapist. Mostly because this is too huge for us to deal with on our own. A woman in my support group patted my hand and said "Not all marriages survive infertility." I find that funny, I'm not worried about us getting a divorce. That's not even really in the cards. I am worried that we are both trying so hard to help each other that maybe we aren't actually helping our relationship. We've been together 12 years. We're not going anywhere. I'd just like to make sure that we both stay sane.

With all that being said. Chris does this thing that totally makes me happy. He will leave web pages open on my lap top that make me laugh. It totally helps to log on and see these silly things. Today they were:

http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll202/starlingx/chocolate_chip_sausage_pancakes_on_.jpg
http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll202/starlingx/kidsexchange.jpg
http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll202/starlingx/stuck_cow.jpg
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/funny-pictures-kitten-sleeps-food-bowl.jpg
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/4/30/jurassicparkse128540730940000000.jpg

While he has his down falls, like not ever knowing what time it is or being a remote control control freak. He can usually make me laugh. Especially when he finds out that he is the best drunken singer at a Rock Band party. Apparently my husband got a 97% on a Faith No More Song. I had no choice to claim him as mine feather boas and all.

Thursday already

Thu, 01 May 2008 21:12:50 GMT

I over slept this morning. Seriously! I was supooses to meet Erin at 5:15 for a 7mile run. Instead I met at 5:40 for 4 miles. The miles felt like CRAP. I'm glad I ran and I'm grateful that Erin ran with me, but man that was the worst run I've had in a while. I then subbed for Masters, 2 workouts. I then went to work until 3pm. I am now at home until I go to HH around 5pm.

It's been a weird week. I'm feeling really scared of whats going to happen in June. I'm torn about a lot of things. It's been so nice the past couple months not having to think about the complications of cycling. I haven't had to worry about what will happen when or if different parts fail. I haven't had to juggle life around 3-4 Dr. appointments a week. In a way I've been able to live a more normal life. All the while trying again has been this dark shadow looming over everything. I want nothing more than for the IUI in June to work, then to have the pregnancy actually be a healthy one. I am also scared of trying. I don't want another failure. I want to put all this behind me for good. We can't do that without trying. Unless I change my name to Mary or something.

As for updates on other things. Here is a picture of the cucumber trellis Chris built.

Here is what it looks like when you loose a toenail from running. Just incase you hadn't been grossed out lately.

Oh and

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:28:07 GMT

I started and FINISHED the ironing today. I am a superwoman.

As reward I put chocolate chips on my soy yogurt and strawberries tonight. Daring I know.

Ironing isn't so bad while watching Planet Earth. I usually watch Indiana Jones, Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings while ironing. I mixed it up a bit today. We don't have cable so my options are limited as far things to watch while ironing.

Speaking of TV. I watched 2.5 seconds of Brothers and Sisters last night. Just so we are all on the same page, during an IVF cycle embryos are TRANSFERRED. You hope they IMPLANT. They might not IMPLANT. If they IMPLANT you are PREGNANT. Your Dr. only TRANSFERS them. You don't get to choose which ones to IMPLANT. You choose how many you are going to TRANSFER. I'm not even doing IVF and it pissed me off. If everyone got to choose which embryos to implant IVF success rates would be a lot frigging higher.

Some days I wish IVF would solve my problems.

interesting things about me

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:40:17 GMT

1. I hate it when Sonic doesn't give me a cherry in my Diet Cherry Coke.
2. I didn't take PE in high school, I got it waved because I was in Marching Band.
3. I can play the Oboe, clarinet, and sousaphone. (I'm not very good anymore).
4. I love to cook.
5. I used to weigh 110 lbs more than I do right now. I blame number 4 above.
6. My favorite ice cream is Baskin Robbins Mint Chocolate Chip. My Grandpa would take me to the Baskin Robins at the Peoria, IL mall every chance he got.
7. There is always room for ice cream, it melts around the contents of your stomach.
8. I swam as a child. When I stopped I got fat.
9. I like to garden.
10. I like getting my way.
11. I'm a bitch when I don't get my way.
12. I try to ALWAYS do what I say I'm going to do.
13. It pisses me off when people don't do what they say they're gonna do.
14. I didn't drink until college.
15. I don't really care for beer.
16. My favorite color is green.
17. I always poke the us wand while waiting for the Dr. to come in.
18. I once lost my keys on beach that Goonies was filmed on. Captain Willie wouldn't help me find them.
19. I couldn't read until 2nd grade.
20. I was in remedial classes until 3rd grade when they had to move me to the accelerated class.
21. I am a horrible speller see number 19.
22. I am terrified of heights.
23. I get really bad motion sickness.
24. I think of my Grandma and Grandpa everyday. I still miss them.
25. I can be overly sentimental.
26. I really do like running.
27. I even like how I feel after a marathon.
28. I always have a chocolate soy milk and a banana in the car after a long run.
29. I refuse to forgive anyone who made fun of me for being fat.
30. I have been with my husband for 12 years this June.
31. I always take a pad and a tampon when I use the restroom at my fertility clinic. I figure I deserve some sort of perk for having to use them.
32. I love to go out for a nice meal with friends.
33. I feel really guilty for not tipping my cleaning ladies.
34. I still talk to my 2 best friends from 7th grade.
35. My 3rd best friend from 7th grade died when we were in college.
37. I try to read a book week. (This week is Saving Fish From Drowning by Amy Tan)
38. I also try to read the Sunday New York Times and The New Yorker each week.
39. I actually do number 38 25% of the time.
40. I tried to read the Economist, but it's to dense for me. I need pictures.
41. I really liked working in a coatings lab.
42. I always cheer the slower athletes on.
43. My 1st Marathon took me 7 hours 46 minutes.
44. I was just ahead of the chick they pay to go last the first time I did the Danskin.
45. I love coaching.
46. I love teaching.
47. I am very punctual.
48. My husband is not :)
49. We have three cats. All of which I wanted. All of which love Chris more.
50. I am very clumsy and tend to accidentally step on our cats, A LOT.

TAKS Testing

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:34:43 GMT

This week is TAKS testing so I don't have to teach. YAY!

I stayed home today and got lots of yard work done. It's amazing how much I got done. I am quite proud of myself. First off I slept in and did not run. I was feeling kinda sick last night and I didn't want to push it. I got to The Natural Gardner at 10am. Got everything I needed and was home and working in the yard by 11:30. I mulched and weeded all the flower beds and the vegetables in the back. I trimmed the bushes in front that needed it. I mowed the front and back. I repotted some plants and swept off the patio. I left the trimming and fertilizing for Chris :)

I was hoping the cleaning people would come while I was out in the yard, but no. They haven't come yet. I really don't like being here when they come, but I really don't feel like going anywhere. I'm tired and just wanna take a nap.

I got the most awesome bright orange planter this morning. I am so excited about it. No it's not burnt orange (which I think is the ugliest color ever). I didn't go to UT and I've never been a big sports fan .(I have no ill feelings towards anyone who is. If it makes you happy go for it.) I am happy with my bright orange addition to the patio :)

The cleaning ladies are here. Crap I don't have any cash.

Another woman from my support group is pregnant. Some days I really feel like I'm the only woman in the entire world who isn't pregnant. I wish the best for her, even if a small part of me is jealous.

what a day

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 02:47:25 GMT

The thunder storm this morning was HORRIBLE. I got caught in a hail storm in The Prius. Luckily I found an over pass. Needless to say I didn't run 12 miles. I went back to bed when I got home. I slept until 11. I then met Erin for 5 miles. I feel like I'm getting sick, which is why I didn't run 12. I might try for 7-10 tomorrow if I feel up to it.

After the run we went to CM had lunch and got groceries. I cooked dinner complete with dessert. To bad I didn't really feel like eating it.

I really hope I'm not getting sick.

my bubble

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 11:30:24 GMT

Some days I wish I didn't have to leave the house. Telling me that I don't understand because I don't have kids is quite frankly the most insensitive thing a person could say to me. Especially in reference to being able to go out to dinner. I want nothing more than to not be able to do what I want when I want. When it's forced on me though, I'm going take advantage of it. Plus WTF I don't understand. You have all your hopes and dreams die inside you 3 times. Then we can talk about who has kids and why they can't out to dinner.

I've also decided that when meeting new people, if they ask if we have kids or if we're trying I'm just gonna lay it on the line. I did it last night and I don't feel guilty about it. I also don't feel guilty for getting up and leaving the room abruptly when she started complaining about breast feeding. I wasn't rude. I'm not that kind of bitter. I'm just not going to put myself in situations that make feel like crap. The woman I met (at a party) was actually very sweet and we talked for quite for awhile. I like her and can see myself being friends with her. She did ask if we were trying. I don't just randomly announce to strangers that I have a broken baby maker.

I've got 12 miles on the agenda this morning. Then a well deserved day of doing nothing. I'm thinking takeout and movies.

I hear thunder. This could be an interesting run.

working on a saturday

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 12:07:48 GMT

I get to work at an after school showcase today. 9-3 woo-hoo. I think I might take Monday off to compensate.

I haven't felt much like posting. I kinda feel like I've gotten to a point of just being tired of having to deal with crap. I am having some pains, that if they reappear at the same point in my cycle I get to go in for an ultrasound. Which means I get to track things this cycle. Which kinda defeats the purpose of taking a brake. Ug. Plus ovulation predictor kits are expensive and I hate wasting one when I have no intention of getting pregnant. Plus the whole, what the hell else could be wrong with me stuff is annoying.

thursday

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:14:06 GMT

I swam this morning. Nothing exciting.

I've decided I really miss not having a job. Even though I like the idea of having someplace to be. I'm kinda tired of having to be somewhere. I'll get over it. it wouldn't be so bad if they could just figure out a way to pay me on time.

I went to my infertility support group. It was nice to go. I do however wish I didn't have to go. In fact I kinda wish I wasn't infertile and i had the perfect life.

This was my quote of the day today. Kinda fitting, huh?

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
- John le Carre

i did it

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:31:42 GMT

8 x 200 meters at mile pace with a 200 m recovery

goal 00:51
1 0:45
2 0:49
3 0:50
4 0:54 (focus)
5 0:52
6 0:51
7 0:49
8 0:49

Not bad for it being hot, humid, and hung over.

I had a rough day today, it had nothing to do with my hang over either. Somedays I wish my life was different.