I toured our elementary school today. Talked to the Principle and Vice-Principle. I did have Herbie with me so it's all kind of a blur. We're starting the Special Ed process. Not sure how i feel about it, but saying it out loud helps.
Also I fucking hate Tuesdays. I don't get to sit down until after 4pm. It's tiring. At least I managed to eat lunch today which is a huge win on a Tuesday. One day I'll type out the schedule. Right now I'm just to damn tired.
I am going to go drink some coffee then some wine. Screw the calories.
It's a New Year.
I've been thinking about how much I miss writing in this here blog. It helped so much when I was doing it. So it seems like the thing to do is start writing it again.
First off Ruby has autism. Because when you wait for the other shoe to drop it eventually does right? Right. Just incase anyone forgot that I am a smart ass pessimist. My smart, kind, beautiful little girl has one more thing to fight and I'm going to do everything I can to help her.
First off I am going to go ride the stationary bike at the gym. I'll explain about the knee issues later.
Welcome back. I am certainly glad to be here.
People always give advice about bedtime. Don't let them cry, let them cry, lock them in the room, be tough, blah blah.
We used to stay at Ruby's bedside until 10pm to make sure she was asleep. I would also try to be there before she woke in the morning at 7am. I know she woke during the night and there was nothing I could do, but for some reason being there to put her to bed and get her up was important.
Now she wants me to lay down with her at night. We read a book. I "wrap her up tight" in her blankets. Then we talk. We talk about the day. I answer all the questions. I mean ALL THE QUESTIONS. At some point I say "Ruby I will answer all your questions in the morning." So, she whispers questions to herself until she falls asleep.
I fought this routine. I wanted to sit and watch TV, drink some wine, and relax. I was done. Then I remembered all those days when I came close to loosing her or not ever having her. So I sucked it up. The thing is, now it's routine. It's also one of my favorite parts of the day. I can't imagine not doing it.
So the kitchen might not be cleaned up, laundry unfolded, knitting projects left in the bag, and wine not opened. I do however get to have in depth conversations about the color of eyelashes and poop.
I feel like I'm going to vomit. I said this last night and Ruby said "What color is the vomit?" What color something is a HUGE deal around our house these days. So is when Herbie poops. He tells you loudly when it's happening, but 2 minutes later he denies it. He doesn't want to stop playing to get his diaper changed.
On to me. This SAHM mom thing of two children is hard. Finding balance is hard. I've lost touch with friends that I didn't intentionally mean to. Self care is hard, blah blah blah.
The guilt is another big thing. I've got what I wanted, right. Why is the day to day of my dream so fucking hard?
Oh and the vomit thing was due to me running 6 miles at 6:30 in the evening when it was a 1000 degrees outside. I suddenly realized that every other time on this blog that I talk about puking I was pregnant or getting over being pregnant.
Where did May go? Ruby finished her first year of preschool. Three years ago I was afraid to think about things like that. Herbie is almost walking. Seriously I have an 8 month old who is almost fucking walking. He is also this bundle of joy and slobbery kisses. In short they are worth it all. Every fucking blood draw, follicle check, and every single day I walked through the doors at CHOP. All worth it.
I've been busy. Busy with my two kids. I haven't read blogs much lately. Which is why it hit me so hard to learn that another baby died. This one was 17 months old and never got to go home. She was happy and her family loved her. I am sad for the Mom. I am sad for the little girl. I am also happy that she is at peace.
Moving on to working out. I rode my bike for the first time in 6 years. I had to go buy a bigger size in bike shorts. None of my jerseys fit, but I'm too cheap to buy a bigger size in those too. I'll be able to wear them again one day. Soon hopefully. I've been running about 15 miles a week. I'd like to be at 20 in October to start marathon training. I haven't had a chance to get to the pool this week. Hopefully with Ruby in camp next week it'll happen.
I'm not sure what to say.
I'm running ans swimming pretty regularly. I hope to start training for a marathon in October. Either Eugene or Vancouver.
I love my kids. It's hard. Really hard. I still don't feel like I can bitch about it. The whole I worked so hard for this and almost didn't get. Beggars can't be choosers right?
Herbie is now eating cat food I need to go.
I go and have two kids and I neglect the blog. The blog in which I lamented for years about my inability have to have children. Cliche? Maybe. Honestly, most days I'm lucky to brush my teeth. Seriously. It's hard. It's hard living the life I always wanted. You see when you get the life you always wanted it might not be all you imagined. The big things are here. That's what matters.
I wasn't prepared for just how fucking tired I would be. I certainly wasn't prepared for having days where I struggle at liking being a parent.
I've been to hell and back. I've got my dreams. I just wish I could drop the guilt about the fact even dreams are hard work.
When is it OK for me to complain about being a parent? I suspect never.
Infertility took so much including my ability to bitch about my children.
Ruby is such a good sleeper. I was strict about her routine. Mostly becasue it involved perfectly timed meds and feeds. Things could not get messed up. Herbie on the other hand. He only naps in his car seat. Mostly because we're on the go for Ruby most days. It's so bad though that we can't spend a day at home.
So my new routine everyday is get out the door by 8:45. Starbucks drive thru, preschool drop off, gym. Substitute park for preschool and gym on some days. The thing is I love sipping my yuppie coffee while pushing my kids in the swings. This is what I wanted. This is what we went thru hell for.
Life is pretty damn good. Who cares if I'm on lexapro and drink a bit too much wine. I love my kids and they love me. Plus I actually got to HAVE KIDS.
This could all change when they both wake from their naps and won't stop screaming. That's when the wine comes in.
I know I'm not supposed to complain I wanted this. It's just a bit hard some days. Chris ahs been on call this week. I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep total a night since Thursday. No one is sleeping well in our house. Someone is always awake. I think even the house it self is tired.
Part of it is Chris being oncall. Part of it due to developmental milestons. Fucking milestones. Seriously neither of them sleep well when they are going through one. Herbie is rolling over and babbling non-stop. Ruby is talking in longer sentences. I feel like they have both achieved some new things and it's time to sleep again.
I did manage to swim 2100 yards and run 3 miles yesterday. Today is my rest day. Tomorrow I have 4 miles and 2100ish yards on my schedule.
**** I edited this. I realized my running goal was totally silly. Not attainable at all this year. I'm not one to set myself up for failure.*****
I hate them, but I'm gonna try this year.
1. Get down to pre- first pregnancy weight. That's 41 lbs to be exact. 21 lbs pre-Herbie pregnancy. 31 to pre-Ruby. 41 to pre-pregnancy number 1. Yes those numbers are correct. I'm tall I carry weight well.
2 Run 1500 miles that an average of 28 miles a week.
3. Swim 41600 yards that's 8000 a week.
4. Weight train at least once a week.
5.Take a trip ALL BY MYSELF.
6. Knit every one in the family a sweater and a pair of socks.
7. Sew Chris two shirts.
8. LAUNDRY. Get that shit under control.
9. Bake three loaves of bread a week.
10. Get my gardens back to their former glory.
I think that's about it.